la belle et la bête.

streets of london.

'so how can you tell me you're lonely,

and say for you that the sun don't shine?'

new year's resolution?

It's 31 december 2013! =D I've been in a holiday since 20th, but I don't go for any vacation (yes I'm staying here. In my room. Alone. -___-) And since I don't know what to do, I just read books, papers, and study. Yes. S T U D Y. Hahah. So impressive. -____- Poor me.

I feel a bit down this month. And stressed. It seems that I've already studied, studied, studied very haaaard but everything *still* very difficult to understand. 

What's wrong? Who to blame? My country? For the 'bad' curriculum in my previous school? I don't think so. It's not their fault, I mean, who need a theoretical physicist when there are still a lot of starving people in a region? I think for now, with its condition, we already have the most suitable curriculum for our country (hey it's just my opinion.).  How can some people study philosophy, pure mathematics, pure sciences, when they see poverty around them? Well, I'm one of these people. How selfish. More worser, I'm using the scholarship from the government. Yes, the money of the people. Sometimes I feel very sorry for myself.  

-_______________-

It's already my second year, but I still haven't understand basic things. A huge of basic things. Seems that I can not catch the standard here. It's sad. And depressing. Why whyy whyyyy I understand things very sloooooooooooowly? Hiks. -__________-

So for this nite, I take a break, I just take a walk on the port to see water (hahah sounds silly!), and when I arrived home I saw my undergrad notebook on the table. I asked my mom to send all my notebook last year (it's expensive! x( ). 

It's always interesting to read an old diary (well, they are notebook, but my notebook is like a diary to me. I write soooo many 'unimportant' things (things which not related to the subject I study), and I usually used sentence like 'susah bangeeeet, pengen nangiiiis' (very difficuuult, wanna cry!), etc. =D

This page makes me happy. =)

It's a list of question. List of question I don't understand and want to know when I studied quantum physics. :D How silly and naive are the question when I read it now, almost 2 year from that moment! Now I've already know the answer, and I wrote all of them in pencils. =D

***

Hahahaa. This page is not related to any serious subject. It's my doodle in the class during course, solid-state physics? I don't remember. =D  This is probably the reason of my lack of basic things! I'm not listening the course! x( Silly me!

I said that oneday, if I already had a lot of knowledge, I want to write a popular science book for all. =) I almost forgot I want to do this. But still I'm not ready to write, I haven't understand basic things.

***

Well this! 

I wrote '..memiliki sifat tersambung-sederhana'. I was studying exact and closed forms, in the most simple way, using only a calculus book! =) I remember I didn't understand the meaning of 'tersambung-sederhana', which is 'simply-connected'. Now I've met them again when I study deRham cohomology (I don't really want to study this, but I need it to understand Chern-Simon. But it's beautiful! If only someone told me the general idea when I start studying calculus in my first undergrad year!)

How much I enjoyed physics in my past! So why now everything is painful? =( I think it's because I've changed. Since I'm here, I start wanting more things.. I want papers, I want publication, I want to go to conferences, and above all, I want to be on the same standard with my labmates here. When I was in my country, I don't really care about these things. That's why I'm forcing myself too much. 

***

So for this holiday, (and for one of my wish in the new year), I want to be a simple-girl like I used to be before. =) I'm trying now. =)

I read somewhere that 'doing hobbies is one way to keep yourself the same'. =) So I did my hobby:

It's the first time I use oil paintiiing! x) Note that oil-painting is just for patient people! =D It's exactly not for me! =D I don't have patience to wait the oil dried to add another colours! =D And it's not finish yet, because I'm waiting it to dry. Very fun trying new things! =)

***

It's already late at nite, have to sleep! (- - ). Sometimes I'm grateful to have blog and twitter. I really need them to make me 'keep talking' when there are no person around me. Heehee. =P 

A reminder:

Nite multiverse, and happy new year! ♥ 

watching stars.

I found this picture somewhere (I've search back this pic on the web pic but can't found it. ) and I like it very much! ! ♥  New year is coming, so it's time to make a wish!

major-minor.

Selamath malaaaam, dirikuuuw! Ntah kenapa tiba2 pngn curhath bebas malam iniiii! Padahal ada targetan 1 bab lg yg harus diberesiiin. Hoaaaahm. Karena gw udah kerja sangath keras 1 minggu ini, ahirnya gw putusin bwt nulis2 bebas malem ini. Sebenernya udah lama gw pngn cerita, tepatnya sih tgl 29 Oktober kmrn. Tepat 1 thn gw jauh dr rumah.

Banyak bgt yg gw dapet selama disini. Fisika, matematika, banyak bgt. Rasanya apa2 yg gw dpt selama 1 thn ini klo dibandingin sama 4 thn pas kuliah S1, msh lebih banyakan yg 1 thn ini. Mgkn krn gw maksain bgt diri gw bwt belajar kali ya. Belum lg masak-memasak! Wiiih kynya pulang2 bisa buka restoran deh gw hahahah. Nasgor kynya udah bisa sambil merem deh masaknya haha. Spagetti jg (tp tetep ga bisa seenak spageti buatan mamah -__-). Bahasa inggris gw kepake ahirnyaa! Prancis? Only if I'm forced to speak french, desolée. :D 

Gw ketemu banyaaak banyaaaaak org dengan sifat yg beda2, n ahirnyaa gw ngerasain gimana rasanya jadi minoritas! Selama 20 thn gw tinggal di Bandung, gw, walopun bukan aseli Sunda, udah jadi salah 1 dr warga mayoritas di Bandung. Semuanya relatif serba gampang n nyaman buat orang2 mayoritas. N kadang2 (kadang2 loh yah..) kenyamanan yg dirasain orang2 mayoritas ini ngebuat mereka 'lupa' klo disekelilingnya ada orang2 minoritas, yg jg punya hak yg sama ky mereka. Ni yg dulu gw rasain, orang2 mayoritas sekitar gw (n gw kadang2), suka ngejudge orang2 minoritas, "Ih mereka kan gini, mereka kan gituu..", padahal kita ga tau apa2 ttg mereka.

Sekarang, sejak gw disini, gw lah si salah 1 orang minoritas itu! Gw, secara gw asian, udah pasti ngebuat orang2 sini ngeliatin gw klo di beus, di metro.. Nah ini ditambah lg gw pake jilbab. Jadi intensitas diliatin orangnya dobel. Hahah. Dulu aseli gw ga tahaaaan bgt rasanya, serba grogi rasanya klo keluar rumah malesin bgt. Skrng udah rada2 terbiasa.. Gw dah bisa melototin orng itu balik malah. Hahha :D

Yg bikin gw rada sedih, itu pandangan orang2 mayoritas disini sama orang2 minoritas. Banyak bgt pandangan mereka yg salah. Owh ternyata gini yah rasanya jadi minoritas! Jangan2 dulu prasangka2 gw sama orang2 minoritas tuh jg sama ky sekarang, banyak yg salahnya. Gw jadi ngerasa, klo misalnya ada 'haters' (apa ya? Orang yg rasis lah, yg ga suka ma suatu kelompok dengan alesan yg ga masuk akal, mgkn krn ngerasa dirinya yg paling bener), terapi paling bagus bwt ngilangin ke-'haters'-an dy itu dengan nyemplungin dy ke suatu daerah dimana dy jadi minoritas! Biar dy tau gimana rasanya jadi minoritas, biar dy tau klo prasangka2 dy ttg orang2 minoritas itu kebanyakan mungkin salah.

Banyak orang2 sekitar gw yg suka ngegeneralisir orang2 ngeliat dr kelompok2nyaa. "Ahh dy turunan ini, pasti orangnya gini gini gini.. Dy agamanya ini, pasti sifatnya gini gini gini deh.." Huff. Orang2 sini jg suka mikir ky gitu ko. Bedanya mereka konfirmasi langsung, ga cm ngomongin di belakang. :D Kadang2 gw suka kaget sama pertanyaan2 mereka. Hahaha kebanyakan pada ga tepat.

Sejak disini, gw jadi lebih percaya manusia itu bisa baik ataw jahat, ga bergantung dy suku apa, agama apa, tinggal di negara mana. Man is the same everywhere. Baik & jahat itu bukan properti cultural. Moga klo ntar gw balik ke tempat dimana gw kembali jadi salah 1 warga mayoritas, gw bisa lebih adil (yeaa.. dlm pikiran n perbuatan, ky kata monsieur Pram di Bumi Manusia) sama org2 minoritas. :). Ayo dong, klo ngerasa diri termasuk homo sapiens sapiensis = wise wise-man = manusia-bijak yg bijak, harus beneran bijak dlm memandang dunia!