It's 31 december 2013! =D I've been in a holiday since 20th, but I don't go for any vacation (yes I'm staying here. In my room. Alone. -___-) And since I don't know what to do, I just read books, papers, and study. Yes. S T U D Y. Hahah. So impressive. -____- Poor me.
I feel a bit down this month. And stressed. It seems that I've already studied, studied, studied very haaaard but everything *still* very difficult to understand.
What's wrong? Who to blame? My country? For the 'bad' curriculum in my previous school? I don't think so. It's not their fault, I mean, who need a theoretical physicist when there are still a lot of starving people in a region? I think for now, with its condition, we already have the most suitable curriculum for our country (hey it's just my opinion.). How can some people study philosophy, pure mathematics, pure sciences, when they see poverty around them? Well, I'm one of these people. How selfish. More worser, I'm using the scholarship from the government. Yes, the money of the people. Sometimes I feel very sorry for myself.
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It's already my second year, but I still haven't understand basic things. A huge of basic things. Seems that I can not catch the standard here. It's sad. And depressing. Why whyy whyyyy I understand things very sloooooooooooowly? Hiks. -__________-
So for this nite, I take a break, I just take a walk on the port to see water (hahah sounds silly!), and when I arrived home I saw my undergrad notebook on the table. I asked my mom to send all my notebook last year (it's expensive! x( ).
It's always interesting to read an old diary (well, they are notebook, but my notebook is like a diary to me. I write soooo many 'unimportant' things (things which not related to the subject I study), and I usually used sentence like 'susah bangeeeet, pengen nangiiiis' (very difficuuult, wanna cry!), etc. =D
This page makes me happy. =)
It's a list of question. List of question I don't understand and want to know when I studied quantum physics. :D How silly and naive are the question when I read it now, almost 2 year from that moment! Now I've already know the answer, and I wrote all of them in pencils. =D
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Hahahaa. This page is not related to any serious subject. It's my doodle in the class during course, solid-state physics? I don't remember. =D This is probably the reason of my lack of basic things! I'm not listening the course! x( Silly me!
I said that oneday, if I already had a lot of knowledge, I want to write a popular science book for all. =) I almost forgot I want to do this. But still I'm not ready to write, I haven't understand basic things.
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Well this!
I wrote '..memiliki sifat tersambung-sederhana'. I was studying exact and closed forms, in the most simple way, using only a calculus book! =) I remember I didn't understand the meaning of 'tersambung-sederhana', which is 'simply-connected'. Now I've met them again when I study deRham cohomology (I don't really want to study this, but I need it to understand Chern-Simon. But it's beautiful! If only someone told me the general idea when I start studying calculus in my first undergrad year!)
How much I enjoyed physics in my past! So why now everything is painful? =( I think it's because I've changed. Since I'm here, I start wanting more things.. I want papers, I want publication, I want to go to conferences, and above all, I want to be on the same standard with my labmates here. When I was in my country, I don't really care about these things. That's why I'm forcing myself too much.
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So for this holiday, (and for one of my wish in the new year), I want to be a simple-girl like I used to be before. =) I'm trying now. =)
I read somewhere that 'doing hobbies is one way to keep yourself the same'. =) So I did my hobby:
It's the first time I use oil paintiiing! x) Note that oil-painting is just for patient people! =D It's exactly not for me! =D I don't have patience to wait the oil dried to add another colours! =D And it's not finish yet, because I'm waiting it to dry. Very fun trying new things! =)
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It's already late at nite, have to sleep! (- - ). Sometimes I'm grateful to have blog and twitter. I really need them to make me 'keep talking' when there are no person around me. Heehee. =P
A reminder:
Nite multiverse, and happy new year! ♥
